In case you’re new to this site, one of my recent projects has been to write unusual fan fiction for movies that don’t really have much in terms of fans. By unusual, I mean taking the source material and positing it into an entirely different genre. For instance, I recently wrote fan fiction for the 80s robot comedy Short Circuit in the style of the teen goth series Twilight, creating “Short Circuit my Heart at Dusk,” something I am oddly proud of. Today I had the inspiration to take Steven Seagal’s character from the Under Siege movies and have him join the cast of Pride and Prejudice. If you’re unfamiliar with Under Siege, it’s this ridiculous 90s action film where Seagal plays Casey Ryback, a humble cook who runs into terrorists everywhere he goes, and somehow manages to singlehandedly beat them. If you’re unfamiliar with Pride and Prejudice… Everyone’s heard of it. Early 19th century comedy of manners.
So, just for fun, here’s Pride Under Siege.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that a man in possession of good karate skills isn’t one for conversation.
Mrs. Bennet, usually such a paramount example of circumspection, had met Mr. Casey Rybeck at a dinner party and, after he introduced himself as a cook, said “It would be divine if you stopped by to prepare dinner. My daughters would enjoy it ever so much.”
“I chop meat with my hands,” he said. His accent was hard to place and he spoke in a half-whisper.
When the hour was at hand for the dinner party, and the Bennet girls were arrayed in the foyer, a loud sound came from the opposite side of the door, not quite a knock. Mr. Rybeck was punching the door in a most reprehensible fashion.
Mr. Bennet, being of an affable temperament, rose to answer the door and met Mr. Rybeck, who was sweating rather visibly and squinting. Mr. Bennet quite measuredly asked, “Is the knocker malfunctioning or are you simply excited to be here?”
“Knock this,” said Mr. Rybeck as he punched Mr. Bennet in an uncouth manner.
Kitty blanched at the sight of this and said to her mother, “Why, such a brash manner this gentleman has!”
Mrs. Bennet replied, “Shh. Be mindful my dear, I believe he is an American.”
Preserving the dignity of his station, Mr. Bennet picked himself up from the floor, dusted off his clothes and said, “I suppose I had that one coming.”
Mr. Rybeck crossed his arms and said, “Yeah, you supposed right.”
Eager to prove he could mix with any sort, young Mr. Bingley approached Mr. Rybeck and most casually asked, “Am I right in assuming by your forthrightness that you are a Tory?”
Mr. Rybeck karate chopped Mr. Bingley in the neck. His hand briefly was entangled in Mr. Bingley’s ascot. Mr. Rybeck said, “That’s my Tory and I’m sticking to it.”
Being of a fine constitution, Mr. Bingley composed himself and said, “I apologize for any hindrance my ascot may have given you.”
“Kiss my ascot.”
At this last remark, Mr. Bingley was noticeably upset. “Mr. Rybeck, I could forgive your pride if you had not karate chopped mine.”
“You want to play, little doggie?” In a few seconds time, Mr. Bingley was unconscious on the floor. Noticing Mr. Rybeck’s chivalrous propensity for punching only men, Mr. Darcy began to grow nervous. Mr. Bingley did not show signs of awakening soon.
“Oh my,” said Mrs. Bennet, “this means I must reset the table for eight.”
Read more about my unnecessary fan fiction project.
If you’d like to read short stories by me that I actually put lots of time and effort into, please purchase my book The Madness of Art: Short Stories, now available as a paperback and as an ebook.
My apologies to fans of Jane Austen and classic literature. Also, I should point out that there’s likely a lot of mistakes because (I hate to admit this) I’ve never read all of Pride and Prejudice, nor have I watched all of Under Siege. I do hope one day to sit down and finish Pride and Prejudice.